Fishing for simpler social distancing
I’ve discovered a sure-fire way of achieving social distancing. Eat a can of smoked sardines. If those around you are like my wife, nobody will come within 6 feet of you. But! During a slow day browsing Youtube for entertainment, I discovered a clip of famed French chef Jacques Pepin. He was showing viewers the various ways of enjoying canned fish, which he loves. Jacques Pepin! I thought I was the only one who ate canned fish. I see ’em in the markets but I’ve never known or even seen anyone to buy it, or at least admit as much.
Bill Nye, the science guy, turned me onto the idea of eating these fish years ago. He said eating sardines will help save our planet. Seems trawlers were anchored in South American seas and scooping up sardines to the point of seriously affecting the global food chain. (The sardines were being ground into meal for hogs.) Nye claimed if we all’d eat more sardines, that would drive up their cost so the sardines would be too expensive just to throw to hogs. I loved that idea and instantly came aboard.
“Fuck the planet,” Marsha said, looking over my shoulder just now and catching a whiff of my breath.
I could never have thought I’d be using Jacques Pepin and Bill Nye in the same essay, and about canned fish at that. But there we are.
Sardines are also a super food. I looked it up. It can help me live longer. Just another reason to love ’em. Smoked mackerel, smoked trout, smoked mussels and oysters, smoked sardines. I eat them all. Although I’m not allowed to eat them in the house. If I did eat them inside the house it might be the last thing I do inside the house. “But honey, Jacques Pepin and Bill Nye said and I can live longer …”
I also discovered that outside is just fine. Now don’t get ahead of me, but one of my favorite outdoor activities is fishing. I love to fish. Not only that, I now know the ideal bait. I can catch fish with this stuff. The only trick is keeping it on the hook. And they are cheaper than buying worms. The big plus for me is, if the fish aren’t biting, this bait goes great with a cracker and a cold one. I do get peculiar glances from nearby anglers, who have this “Did you just eat what I think I saw you eat?” look to them. Then they pack up and slink a little farther away.
See, I told you it works.
