My talk with God
2020 brought out a lot of folks who’ve had talks with God lately. Far be it from me to miss out. As a matter of fact we had quite the chat this very morning. I began by asking him about the current state of things and well, after that there was just no holding him back.
“Now take this Trump fellow,’ he said. “I can’t take responsibility for that. You stick 7 billion people on the planet, you got to expect one of ’em’s gonna mess up everything for everybody. Eh, what can you do?”
I told him I’d noticed a spike in taking the lord’s name in vain. “What of it? You know, there really was a Jesus H. Christ. What I get a kick out of is folks say Jesus Christ, whuh, oh sorry, didn’t mean you over there, son. Anyhow, folks say (in a lowered voice) Jesus Christ (back to normal) more in aggravation than in prayerful reverence. And the inflection, the tone, the staccato and legato — it’s as varied, numerous and beautiful as all the songs from all the birds. They say (lowers voice) Jesus Christ (back to normal) for everything from seeing a snake to winning the lottery! For Christ sake, they say it when making a wrong turn or breaking a yolk after flipping an egg.
“Blasphemy? Nah, it’s a lot better than those mournful pleas, of ‘oh lord, if I can only get this or do that I’ll go to church every Sunday. I swear.’ Yeah right.” You know this water-to-wine trick Jesus does comes in real handy, but it’s nothing compared to getting a virgin pregnant. That really took some doing. Well, how should I know how I did it? I can’t remember what I had for breakfast. Even that seems like a million years ago. Maybe it was? And yet here we have billions of people holding Mary in such high esteem, you see any other unwed mother … and it’s not like that.
“Now, back to this Trump guy, have you noticed his appetite? Not that, what he eats! He’s as tough to kill as a roach, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get rid of those. Some men down there preach that everything I made is perfect. Hah! Not hardly. Now that reminds me, excuse me a sec, I think I’d better make a quick call. ‘Hey, you Devil, how’s biz? Up to your ears? Well, I’m just letting you know to clear some room for some guy I’ll be sending down your way eventually. You can’t miss him. Big guy, ‘a little’ on the heavy side, orange hair, tiny hands, big mouth. Don’t know him? Wow, you must be busy not to notice. Well, old fella, believe me, you are going to LOVE this guy. Guaranteed.”
