Whole Foods goes to the dogs

If any of you remember Art Buchwald, this will read better if you copy his style.

Has anything like this ever happened to you? I was killing time yesterday at Whole Foods (next door to my wife Marsha’s Dr. appointment), a place where i am not an experienced shopper. As soon as I stepped foot in the place, I felt like I was in a foreign land. I meandered up and down all the aisles, marveling at the array of stuff on the shelves.

There were jars of caramelized onion jam, $25 jars of bee pollen and pastries of the gods. Yet at the very bottom of the freezer section were these lonely looking gluten-free almond flour pie crusts. The untouchables. Their price had been marked down to 97 cents. The shame of it. “Poor things,” I thought, “But how terrible must they taste?”

Eventually I stopped at this one gleaming refrigerated glass display case. Admiring the contents of these attractively packaged meals, one caught my eye. It contained turkey and cranberries and some other tasty stuff. As I opened the case to reach for the item I noticed something about it didn’t seem quite right. It was dog food. Everything in there was dog food.

“Dog food!” I thought to myself. Still i had a better reaction to that than I did the pie crusts, or the bee pollen. “This thing looks like it’d taste pretty good.”

I put it back. The pet food cost more than the people food, even for that place. Our old dog George has gone this far without it. I was afraid he might like it — it and nothing less.

So I did the only sane thing that came to my mind. I bought Marsha a couple of slices of pizza, you know, the ones with the caramelized onion jam. And got out.